June 1 – What if both of you don’t agree on

SUMMARY: WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT:
Common causes of conflicts in the church.
How we should handle conflict as Christians.
The importance of confession and forgiveness in conflict resolution
Forgiveness and reconciliation?
WHAT IF… there are still UNRESOLVED ISSUES? What do you do?

WHAT IF BOTH PARTIES DON’T AGREE ON CERTAIN FUNDAMENTAL ISSUES THAT ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO BOTH PARTIES?
AMOS 3:3 “DO TWO WALK TOGETHER, UNLESS THEY HAVE AGREED TO MEET?

THERE ARE CERTAIN ISSUES THAT WILL SIMPLY NOT GO AWAY EVEN AFTER CONFRONTATION, CONFESSION, FORGIVENESS AND RECONCILIATION…HOW DO WE RESPOND TO ISSUES LIKE THESE THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY?
We all have our style of dealing with conflict.

WITHDRAWAL OR AVOIDANCE
Some people don’t bother trying to deal with issues. They sweep stuff under the carpet.
They withdraw physically (from the environment) or psychologically (emotional turn off, not speaking, cutting the person off) – just get up and leave.
David and his children Absalom and Amnon / Tamar – Dangers of Conflict Avoidance: King David provides a negative example for us in the way he mismanaged his conflict with his son Absalom (2 Samuel 13; 14:1-15:37).
The key to conflict management is prompt reconciliation by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). We need to learn know how to balance truth (confrontation) and love (reconciliation).

WIN ALWAYS, NO MATTER THE COST:
They look out only for their own interests most of the time.
Employ different tactics to win – they know your area of vulnerability and make you give in.
They store up grudges and use them to attack you (stockpiling approach)
They often use anger to manipulate or control. They can threaten to leave you if don’t comply with their demands. 3 John 1:9 Diotrephes

YIELD
You yield to avoid confrontation Rom 12:10
You are not withdrawing but you give in just to have a good relationship with the other person.
When you yield, you feel like a martyr – you feel like you are behaving in the most Christian way – occasionally you create guilt in your partner
This can lead to resentment later because the issue is still there.

COMPROMISE
You give a little to get a little.
You don’t want to win all the time.
Concessions are made on both sides – horse trading.
We all compromise…

Example: Give my family some money and you can take some money for your family and we don’t fight

COMPROMISE OR NEGOTIATION
AN AGREEMENT OR SETTLEMENT OF A DISPUTE THAT IS REACHED BY EACH SIDE MAKING CONCESSIONS
BOTH SIDES GIVE UP ON CERTAIN DEMANDS AND MEET SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE

RESOLVE THE DIFFERENCE THROUGH NEGOTIATION
Open and direct communication is used to change a situation, attitude or behavior.
People spend sufficient time working on the difference so that even though some of their original wants and desires have changed, they are satisfied with the solution. Genesis 24; Acts 11:1-4; 15:1-20; 36-40; Phil 4:2-4; Romans 14

SOME FUNDAMENTAL ISSUES WE FIGHT OVER
Money
Property
The exercise of certain rights.
How we should worship.
Personality issues..
NAME A FEW EXAMPLES
These issues should not be swept under the carpet or automatically passed to a higher authority.

“DO NOTHING OUT OF SELFISH AMBITION OR VAIN CONCEIT, BUT IN HUMILITY CONSIDER OTHERS BETTER THAN YOURSELVES. EACH OF YOU SHOULD LOOK NOT ONLY TO YOUR OWN INTERESTS, BUT ALSO TO THE INTERESTS OF OTHERS”
(Phil. 2:3-4; Matt. 22:39; 1 Cor. 13:5; Matt. 7:12).

“PAUSE” PRINCIPLE MATT 5:25;LUKE 12:58; 2 TIM 2:14
Prepare
Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
Affirm
Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
Understand
Understand interests (identify others’ concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)
Search
Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
Evaluate
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don’t argue)

BE PREPARED FOR UNREASONABLE PEOPLE
Remember that other people may harden their hearts and refuse to be reconciled to you.
First, remember that God does not measure success in terms of results but in terms of faithful obedience. He knows that you cannot force other people to act in a certain way. Therefore he will not hold you responsible for their actions or for the ultimate outcome of a conflict. All God expects of you is to obey his revealed will as faithfully as possible (see Rom. 12:18). If you do that, no matter how the conflict turns out, you can walk away with a clear conscience before God, knowing that God will say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Second, resolve that you will not give up on finding a biblical solution. If a dispute is not easily resolved, you may be tempted to say, “Well, I tried all the biblical principles I know, and they just didn’t work. It looks like I’ll have to handle this another way (meaning, ‘the world’s way’).”

WHAT IF THE PERSON STILL WILL NOT SEE EYE TO EYE WITH YOU?
Romans 12:14-21
Control your tongue (“Bless those who curse you;” see also Eph. 4:29)
Seek godly advisors (identify with others and do not become isolated)
Keep doing what is right (see 1 Pet. 2;12, 15; 3:15b-16)
Recognize your limits (instead of retaliating, stay within proper biblical channels)
Use the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (see also John 3:16; Luke 6:27-31)

A STRATEGY FOR NEGOTIATING EXPECTATIONS: PHIL. 2:2-4; EPH. 4:25-32
a) Identify the issue, problem, area of conflict.
b) Narrow it down to the conflict point. Don’t generalize.
c) Express your differing expectations: Take turns, being sure to listen to each other. It might even be wise to write the expectations down.
d) Focus on the problem, not the person. Sentences should begin with “I think,” “I feel.” Don’t start sentences with “You!”
e) Take time listening and speaking with a Christian attitude.
f) Work toward a compromise. Adjust, revise, reject, create until you can agree on your expectations in the category you have chosen. They are now expressed and realistic! Write them down (just in case someone forgets!)
g) Reinforce each other’s positive fulfilment of the expectations. Re-evaluate regularly.